When.

When a stranger looks at me and says,

“I have a tumor on my brain.”

When a friend cries, looking up from his bed,

“I will not see you again.”

When my doctor whispers to me from the operating table,

“We’ll have to see. Your prognosis is debatable.”

Only then do I begin my long inward journey into innermost

Dread, realizing I, too, must learn for myself what

It means for me, to be finally, permanently dead.

 

I’ve lived a long time, longer than most, been a host

To the terrors and triumphs, greedily eating my days

As if my cupboard overflowed, not realizing that one day

I would peer in and see dust and ashes of an emptiness

I only dreamed, riding nightmares of  denied finality.

 

But life, indeed, is real. And death, as well. One often comes to

A stop, before we learn how to really count this instant,

This minute, this day; not just the birthdays, not plan someday

To live, to be happy, to become a hero, to be remembered. 

But to live, now, now, now in this chaos of not knowing.

 

Do it, now. This instant. Be here, be present, ready to

Realize this one moment, this one hour, this one beautiful,

Bountiful day. This is

All there is. And this is

Enough.

 

So, when the doctor finally calls, and says,

“I’m happy to report that your prognosis is

Fine. You are

Clear. There is no

Cancer. No cancer. No cancer. You will

Live.”        

 

Now I can give myself the permission which I have never given

Myself. Yes, I can be alive. I can be the

Person who I always wanted to be. I am. I am

Me. Now. And that is good enough.

 

Time did not stop. It need not stop

Now. Maybe now I can finally begin

Living. I do have enough time, even if it is a just

A moment more. This is my only chore. To live,

Now.

 

When I look at myself again.

When I ask myself, “Do I have enough

Time? 

Am I good enough, just

As I am?

         Do you love me? Do I

                  Love me?

         Am I

                  Happy?

         Am I

                   Enough?

 

         Will I Reply:

                  “Just enough ?”

 

No.

“More than

Enough;

 

         Now.”

          * * *